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My road to transformation

#anxiety #alcoholism #eating disorder #ADHD

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Loneliness

I always thought my drinking and eating disorder got worse because of the loneliness i have been feeling.

Yet, Being alone and Feeling lonely are different, and I was somewhat mixing them up in my head. I do have friends and family in Japan. I have many close friends who deeply care about me in many different countries. Yet, I was feeling I don’t have a ground under my feet and thought i felt lonely because my close friends in last 10 years are physically not with me and my close friends in Japan are not as close as we were before. My friends here are so busy with work and their family. I thought I don’t belong to any communities here.

However, I might be wrong. If I seek out, I can always meet my friends just for a bit if they are busy. I can go for dinner, I can call them.

I do have a long-distance relationship with my BF but i know he is always therefore me.

I do have a family who strongly just loves me no matter what.

Why would I still feel lonely?

I think my loneliness in the end was “I am alone in my struggle “. Nobody else is struggling like me and Im alone in my treatment.

Emotion is all imagination. Yet, THAT is my loneliness.

I should give up on seeking for a stable impermanent ground under my feet.

Nothing is permanent and things are changing. Even If all my friends in other countries are in Japan, they will also need to work and have their own life. so maybe I just need to accept things changed and I need to do whatever to make me feel better. It is on me.

If not me, nobody can change my life.

I should therefore find some group therapy for my alcohol issues and eating…

It is so hard to face it but I think thats what I need to do.

Familiarity makes familiarity.

I need to be there, show up and build friendship and connection here too.

Let’s see how it goes.

 

What would you rather be?

Would you rather be happy or be skinny?

Would you rather be happy or be pretty?

Would you rather be happy or be socially successful and get many compliments from others?

 

The answers should be the former. Yes I would like to be happy than anything else.

Thats the ultimate goal of life for everybody right? SO When I feel I’m so ugly and fat and such a loser in the society, I start questioning what is the point of having these negative thoughts in my head? Is it even true? I mean who cares and who told me so? ME! myself. Do these negative thought bring me happy feeling? NO. So why would I let those thoughts exist and torture me?

 

I think this question of “would you rather be happy or…” is very useful when we are so dissatisfied with ourselves in some ways and get anxious and panic.

Also, “Perfectionism” has been really cursing my life. but now I often ask myself “How much would be perfect?””what is the point of chasing perfection?” “Does perfection even exist?”

Questioning Questioning Questioning!!!!!!!!!

Questioning myself when I’m in mental crisis helps me stop panicking .

I hope everybody who goes through hard time like me can use this technique too!

Today, I laughed. I meditated. I did Yoga. I had a good food.

Today, I was okay. and that is all I need for now.

Good night and Have a great day to myself tomorrow!

 

xxx

 

So-what attitude.

A numbers of failures doesn’t make you a failure.

We live in an ocean of vibes and i just need to know how to swim well and float with the waves. In the end of the day, what matters is my own happiness and how much we enjoy life. what else does it matter?

Now Im doing Yoga and meditation everyday and also trying to rethink of my life and myself by reading books and exploring areas of interests that I have not paid attention to. Regarding my future career, I am still up for getting myself into an anthropological field work. but I might end up working in the US. or i might just put this passion in development aside as my hobby and become a yogi teacher. Who knows? I feel like i was too narrow-minded or too obsessed with what i thought i was so passionate about. I wanna reset my brain for now and really ask myself what I want in life. probably the answer is either so simple or not to be answered easily. but I will give up on chasing an ideal perfect life plan and instead stop to take a deep breath for now.

I will accept the way it is and I am. My life didn’t turn out to be how I planned out and I am not who i think is perfect.I am not. So I will just enjoy days and focus on my treatment now. I don’t work. SO what. My life is different from my friends who have a family and work successfully. So what. It  is my life. The ultimate purpose of life is to enjoy. Working to earn money is a means. I do have some savings and receive health insurance. SO i don’t need to worry about how other people criticise me for not working.

Let’s learn how to give up sometimes and say SO WHAT.

and Let’s learn to REALLY appreciate what I have and understand that we are all born with all we need. Don’t be greedy and be happy with what I have and appreciate a little thing in life.

That was my today’s letter to myself tomorrow.

 

Good night.

X

 

 

Relapse and start over again

I was doing pretty fine for more than a week thanks to some medication that helps me to calm down when my anxiety attacks me. Then i relapsed for like 4 days with binge eating and binge drinking……I asked for some help to my family and came back to my parents house. now I’ve been managing myself with my fear, worries, anxiety again.

I went to see my doctor today and we decided to start taking a medication to treat ADD from tomorrow.

I was feeling anxious the whole day and couldn’t really focus on anything….Yet, i managed to have three meals and also hung out with my friends in the evening. Talking to friends really helped and they kept telling me supportive words.

I am worried. I relapsed and was disappointed. but one day at a time.

I quit my job last wednesday and Ive been feeling so ashamed of myself for not being able to work and just felt so ashamed. Yet, I’ve been told that working is not what i should be doing. People work to earn money to live. Anybody can work and being able to work is not the greatest thing that people can be proud of. Taking some time off to face my mental health and overcome this fear should be something I can be proud of. Calm down. Take a deep breath. and believe myself that i can overcome this. This is my life. Don’t care about others too much. Think of my happiness. Accept who I am.

 

I hope tomorrow will be another day i can feel content.

Good night.

ADD and One week

Today, I woke up with a decent sleep and had a breakfast.
Then I skyped with my Boyfriend and watched a film called “the garden of words”. The film was pretty short but good. I told my boyfriend about how things have been lately in my life. Last wednesday, after days and days of binge eating and drinking , I finally couldn’t even move due to the dehydration and omitted some blood. So my friend took her time off work and came to my flat to take me to the hospital. I did some blood test and received fluid intravenously. I did a lot of different check-ups to check my health condition. The result was obviously horrible. I had an acute liver inflammation and the doctor warned me that i would have a liver failure if i continue drinking. the emergency doctors were really thoughtful and gave me such an encouraging words…like “it is not too late. you can still fix this all”.

Since that day, my friend kindly offered me her place to stay so that i didn’t need to stay alone and go back to my bad habits. My friend and her husband really looked after me and I could get through with a severe alcohol withdrawal symptoms….I had a sleep deprivation, nightmares, tremblings, anxiety and unstable mood….With support of my friends and also a medication to reduce AWS, Ive been successfully living my life without alcohol for a week now. Seriously, I can’t explain how better i am feeling right now physically and my physical strength is really helping my mental health too. I still have an issue with eating disorder but for now my top priority is to avoid alcohol.

Yesterday(monday), the result of my ADHD test came out. I didn’t have ADHD. However, I was diagnosed to have ADD. Attention deficient disorder. NOW it all makes sense. this was the fundamental cause of my anxiety and addiction issues. I also have suffered a lot from my inability to focus and be punctual since I was young. So many thing were always in my head which made me so tired and go nuts. My anxiety usually came when my brain had too many things to think of and couldn’t focus on one thing at a time.

Now, when things are too complicated and entangled in my head which cause anxiety, I can tell myself “this is my ADD. its not forever. this will be gone soon” whereas I felt my anxiety would last forever and got panic when I didn’t know why I sometimes suddenly felt so anxious before.

It has been only a week since I stopped drinking and started feeling strong and being able to think things positively and logically. it is all due to my friends support. They gave me words like “I will always be with you even if this recovery will take long.” “I hope there will be more days you can laugh and smile this week.” or they text me every morning and keep me motivated or make sure that i feel supported. I can’t appreciate enough to have such friends.

With regard to my job, I will quit my job tomorrow. My manager has been super supportive and he says I should really focus on my recovery and he will help me find a job when I get better. He makes sure to see me every week and checks up on me. he took me to Aikido (japanese martial arts) so that I learn how to be mindful. Aikido class was really helpful for me to realise how body and mind are intertwined.

Today, I went to see a counsellor and friends. I even went to a gym in the night to build up my physical strength (my counsellor as well as aikido teacher told me that I should have a physical strength first in order to build my mental strength)…

I know this is only been a week. but I feel a lot of things changed. mostly how i see myself and my life.

I am not worried about my future. I don’t care what other people see me just the way I am right now. I dropped my shame and guilt. If anybody judges me and leave me because of my struggles, its their matter and its nothing to do with me. its not my fault.

I will focus only on myself. my better self. ONE DAY AT A TIME.

I also started trying new things everyday to find one new thing that I LOVE. my brother told me that I should find something I’m crazy about or love to do (hobby). I’ve been focusing too much on treatment and how to cure my issues. However, he said I should rather focusing on finding something I love to do, which might substitute my unhealthy coping strategy for my anxiety and stress. I think this is a great idea. I started listening to music groups that I was crazy about when I was younger. I went to karaoke by myself and sang for like 2hours30mins which felt SUPER GREAT. I started reading books that I usually don’t read. I started watching movies with genre that I don’t usually pick. U know,,,,,just trying to find new self. Excitement. LIFE.

I need to get rid of alcohol from my body first to start taking a medication for ADD. so i need to keep trying not to drink for another week.

ONE DAY AT A TIME.

I can do it.

Aikido class told me that, if I am not sure whether to do, I should just do it.

DONT THINK, FEEL! just like Bruce lee said.

For the people who love me and support me, For myself, I will do what i need to do One thing at a time and one day at a time.

 

Good night.

 

My story with mental health struggles

Hello.

This is my first blog and I’m not entirely sure how i should be writing to catch an attention to let the public hear what i wanna voice out and also let those people who suffer what i have been struggling know that they are not alone.but i will try my best to write my honesty here to let people know we are somehow in the same shoes one way or another.

I am 28.

I started chasing my dream when i was 13 and I’ve been living my life mainly thinking go how to achieve it. i have lived in quite a few countries. Japan, the UK, Malawi, East Timor, the Philippines, and Australia. I’ve met a lot of people with different backgrounds and seen a lot of different things.

i have a very fortunate background and my family helped me with my education throughout my academic career. In the end, I’ve got Bachelor and Master degrees from worldly known decent universities. I really do think my life must look amazing and impressive from eyes of others. My friends always described me as being crazy, happy and optimistic (i do love to entertain people) .

The reality is far from how my resume and social network page tell others though. I’m not just merry and silly. My life has been cursed If i can scream to the world.

I’ve suffered from anxiety issue since i was little now that i think of it. Acing in the exams and getting a good grade in my second language was harder than anybody could imagine. A massive pressure on succeeding in everything was placed on me since i was young. Or i might have been the one who put so much pressure on myself.

When I entered my undergrad, as a coping strategy to my stress and anxiety, i chose the act of restricting my eating habits and increased my alcohol intake towards the early 20th. Since my good friend committed suicide in my last year of undergrad, my unhealthy cooping strategies were getting worse. However, I managed to got through my universities. After I graduated from post-grad, I decided to seriously deal with my eating and drinking habits as I was not functioning well anymore. I tried hospitalisation, a group therapy, and CBT and A&C therapies. Nothing really lasted long though. Probably i was not committed to any of the treatment. Was I scared or being change-resistant? I don’t know. I also moved around countries so it was hard for me to really commit to a long-term treatment.

Now I came back to Japan as my family member got a leukaemia. Again, seeing my family suffering was also not easy for me. Besides, i was away from Japan for almost 10years which made it unbelievably hard for me to adapt myself to my mother country’s culture and working style. So in the end, though I started working at a global IT company here, it didn’t take long until I stopped going to work and stayed in my own room. I can’t go to work right now due to my huge anxiety and sleep deprivation with obvious struggle with my eating and drinking.

Then now, all of a sudden, my new counsellor and psychiatrist noticed some possible fundamental cause of my long-term mental health issue. Last week I took a test of ADHD and i feel very anxious about the result. I myself questions if i had ADHD a few times in my life but i never really took any actions. and NOW. at this age. why now? i feel so anxious and scared about my life right now.

However, I decided to firstly refrain myself from alcohol by staying at my friend’s place and my family home. Ive been not drinking for now 3 days and therefore suffering really badly from alcohol withdrawal symptoms. Yet, I will try to move one day at a time. I am just trying to eat and be kind to myself. Self-compassion. Self-comassion. Im trying to change my cognitive distortion. I will call my counsellor and see if he can give my CBT to help me out with it.

There is no words to describe how fearful and hopeless this “dealing with my mental  health”is right now. Yet, for myself and people who love me, I wanna keep on trying at least until I go to bed tonight.

That was my story of life with mental health issues.

Thank you for reading.

May you be kind yourself and others today.

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